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All the News That's Fit to Print and Some That's Not

All the News That's Fit to Print, and Some That's Not.

by Tom Costanza on Wednesday, June 9, 2010 at 9:12am


I love African newspapers. They’re not tabloid exactly, but they present things very differently than our papers do. For instance, I once picked up one with the front page headline – Goat Commits Suicide. Okay, maybe that one was a little tabloid. The story was about a goat that was tied to a tree. Something scared him and he ran up the tree. He must have slipped and ended up hanging himself. Not exactly suicide. Death by misadventure maybe. Talk about a slow news day…


Here are a few headlines from last Saturday’s paper:


I Am Better Than Besigye

As Uganda gears up for the 2011 Presidential Elections one candidate, Hussein Kyanjo is campaigning on what may be the flimsiest platform in recorded history. “I am better than the other candidate.” Apparently he forgot to add, “Naa naa na naa naa.” I’m not sure if this is completely accurate but I’ve heard that the other candidate, Kizza Besigye, forcefully replied with something like, “I’m rubber and you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.”


Catholic Tree Puzzles Scientists

The tree, known to scientists as a Tamarindus indica, is a 130 year-old fruit tree. Yet it has never produced fruit. That is the source of the scientist’s puzzlement. “Perhaps the tree is not a 'good' Catholic tree and has been using birth control,” I speculated. Turns out the tree itself isn’t Catholic, but the priest who planted it was.


And finally, as all of Africa gets ready for the World Cup in South Africa we get this. Let me just state beforehand that I hate snakes. My apologies to all of the kind-hearted snake lovers at PETS (People for the Ethical Treatment of Snakes). I’m not sure if there is such an organization but it wouldn’t surprise me so I thought I’d apologize just to be safe. I’m sure they read my blog.


England’s World Cup Base Surrounded by Killer Snakes

This one sounds like it could be real but the South Africans I'm with take issue with it. Here’s the story verbatim:

“England will face many obstacles as they chase World Cup glory in South Africa, but here’s one they weren’t expecting – dealing with deadly snakes near their World Cup base. Killer pythons, spitting cobras, puff adders and black mambas are known to be on the hunt around the Bafokeng Sports Complex in Rustenburg…the electric fence around the base can stop pythons but not smaller, poisonous species. The black mamba is a particularly deadly snake, with enough venom in a bite to kill several people.”


Great. May I suggest holding it in Hackensack next time? There you have it. All the news that's fit to print and some that’s not.


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